CORPORATETHUGLIFE

Dear coworker - For the love of god please stop using COMIC FUCKING SANS as the default font for EVERY FUCKING EMAIL you send. It makes you look like a goddamn child.

I’m going to run into a crowded conference room, throw my business cards into the air and shout “MAKE IT RAIN!”

First one to take their top off gets a bagel.

The world has no shortage of assholes. They all have to work somewhere.

CORPORATETHUGLIFE: Business casual at a Mastodon concert. Practice what you preach.

Typical conference call.

In this scenario let’s say that the scheduled start time is 2:00 PM

1:58 PM First person calls in; they are presented with delightful light jazz music that sounds like Kenny G sharted into an alto sax in A minor.

2:00 PM Second person calls in, ending the light jazz, and talks to first person for a while about the weather. First person makes a bad joke about light jazz hold music and how lucky the second person is for not having to hear it.

2:06 PM Several more people call in, one or more of them randomly introducing background noises of static, barking dogs, and traffic noises into the call.

2:07 PM People talk about the static, barking dog, weather, and traffic noises. One person decides to drop off and call back in.

2:08 PM The person that dropped off calls back in. The meeting begins.

2:12 PM One of the callers, previously quiet, has spoken up, but their volume is very low. They begin explaining a technical detail that is completely indecipherable between the combination of car horn beeps and their low volume.

2:14 PM Someone makes a comment about the nigh-mute person, who agrees to drop off and call back in.

2:17 PM A manager joins the call, apologizes for being late, asks who is on the call, and what has been previously discussed. Everone else on the call has a small piece of them die. They reconcile the fact that they will never get the last 12 to 19 minutes of their life back.

2:26 PM After a dizzying array of random questions that losely correlate with the topic at hand, one person randomly drops off the call. No one knows who, but the dog barking continues.

2:30 PM One caller asks a question from another, and a long silence follows. The question is asked two more times.

2:32 PM Someone randomly answers the previous question, and mentions that they previously had their phone muted.

2:41 PM Someone begins breathing into their handset loudly. Everyone else on the call ignores it.

2:48 PM One person announces that they need to drop off to attend another conference call. In reality, that person has to take a massive dump and can’t figure out to mute their phone, unlike two other meeting attendants, who have been pooping the entire time.

2:51 PM Participants are eagerly anticipating the end of the call, the person running the call asks if there are any other questions. Everyone crosses their fingers and prays to their diety of choice that everyone else remains silent.

2:52 PM One person decides to ask a question that is not related to the issues discussed. Their question is so moronic and far reaching that everyone else on the line silently damns them to a slow horrible death involving Rubik’s cubes, cinder blocks, and dishsoap.

2:53 PM Another individual on the call puts their mental murder on hold and informs the person that asked the question that they will take the conversation “off-line”. Everyone breaths a sigh of relief. A dog barks.

3:01 PM Everyone hangs up. One person calls in, not knowing that the call was scheduled to begin an hour before.

3:06 PM The late caller, fed up with the light jazz music, hangs up in frustration and spends the rest of the day shopping for antique toasters on eBay.

Try to tell me I can’t play “RZA” in a game of Scrabble and see what happens. Just try. #corporatethuglife

It’s 4PM and time to put on some Liquid Swords. The synth riff from Killah Hills 10304 has been in my head all day

Whaaaaa? You did NOT just send me an email in comic sans. I am going to modify our desktop GPO to get rid of that font, hide the Outlook high-priority flag, and delete all of that email stationary that you think is soooooo cute.